Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
