It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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