it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
