I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
