my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
