A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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