So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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