Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
