I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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