You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
