He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
