if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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