My liver just broke up with me...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
