If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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