My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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