Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
