Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
