I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
