mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
