I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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