she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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