dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
