I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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