I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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