All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
we should paint friendship bongs
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