he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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