Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
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