didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Lo siento on account of my penis...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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