My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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