Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
