Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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