guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
