dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
