Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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