We need to start having sex underwater more often.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
