Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
