Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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