And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
