Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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