The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
