you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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