May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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