ADVERTISEMENT

• (216): View more from Ohio

  my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?

  (1-216): View more from Ohio

  i'd get off the bar first.

  Fav 18 1004 3118

  share tweet
  

• (901): View more from Tennessee

  I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.

  Fav 11 3575 895

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (314): View more from Missouri

  I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid

  Fav 35 1845 3488

  share tweet
  

• (615): View more from Tennessee

  Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.

  Fav 13 4243 1240

  share tweet
  

• (980): View more from North Carolina

  when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.

  Fav 14 6486 1182

  share tweet
  

• (515): View more from Iowa

  In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.

  Fav 7 2088 1225

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (850): View more from Florida

  If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.

  Fav 21 1813 5272

  share tweet
  

• (561): View more from Florida

  We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.

  Fav 18 1057 2615

  share tweet
  

• (630): View more from Illinois

  I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.

  Fav 0 509 679

  share tweet
  

• (647): View more from Ontario

  Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?

  Fav 1 233 473

  share tweet
  

• (312): View more from Illinois

  I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.

  Fav 1 359 163

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (760): View more from California

  TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH

  (760): View more from California

  I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES

  Fav 2 116 255

  share tweet
  

• (240): View more from Maryland

  What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...

  Fav 2 84 42

  share tweet
  

• (619): View more from California

  My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?

  Fav 1 77 10

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (513): View more from Ohio

  He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.

  Fav 0 108 7

  share tweet
  

Randomize