You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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