Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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