She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
