Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
