i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
