I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
