I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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