I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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