the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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